Neurodiversity Affirming Couples Counselling  

What Is Neurodiversity-Affirming Therapy?

Neurodiversity-affirming therapy is not defined by specific interventions or set practices. Instead, it represents an approach and philosophy that shapes how therapists perceive and support their clients' experiences.

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Meg is committed to a neurodiversity-affirming approach. She understands that neurodivergence is a natural variation of the human experience, not a flaw or illness that needs correction. While she acknowledges the strengths and unique perspectives that come with neurodivergence, she also recognises that it can present significant challenges. Embracing both the positive aspects and the difficulties is essential to honouring the full experience of neurodivergent individuals.

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Meg’s practice is built on the belief that each client is the expert on their own experience. She provides a supportive space that validates both the benefits and the struggles associated with neurodivergence. Guided by the insights and preferences of neurodivergent communities, she adopts language, treatment interventions, and resources that are most appropriate for her clients, rather than relying on neurotypical standards.

Understanding Neurodiverse Couples

The Attraction of Different Neurotypes

In the beginning, couples with different neurotypes (e.g., autistic and neurotypical) often experience a powerful attraction. This initial pull can be attributed to:

• The neurotypical partner being drawn to the autistic partner’s stability, focus, and intelligence.

• The autistic partner valuing the neurotypical partner’s ability to navigate social situations.

• During the dating phase, the neurotypical partner may even become a special interest for the autistic partner, enjoying the intense focus and attention.

These complementary qualities can make the couple feel like they are perfectly matched, as if a magnetic force has brought them together.

From Differences to Dysfunctional Patterns

However, neurological differences can eventually lead to misunderstandings and miscommunications. The couple may find it challenging to build and maintain an emotional connection when they seem to "speak different languages" and experience emotions differently. Without the right tools to navigate neurodiversity, these differences can be misinterpreted negatively, leading to entrenched dysfunctional patterns, such as:

• Eroded trust within the relationship

• Cycles of pursuing, withdrawing, or explosive reactions

• Feelings of blame, shame, isolation, hopelessness, sadness, disappointment, confusion, loneliness, and abandonment

• A decline in sexual intimacy

• Increased difficulty in shared responsibilities, like parenting

• Gradual weakening of the relationship’s foundation

Understanding and addressing these challenges through a neurodiverse lens can help couples develop healthier, more supportive patterns of interaction.

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The Impact of ADHD and Other Neurotypes

ADHD and other neurotypes can influence relationships in unique ways. Here are some potential ways in which adult ADHD may impact relationships:

• Adults with ADHD may struggle with listening, remembering conversations, or interrupting others, leading to misunderstandings and conflicts within the relationship.

• Managing finances, keeping track of appointments, and staying on top of household tasks can be difficult for someone with ADHD. If these tasks are not managed effectively, it can put a strain on the relationship.

• Impulsivity can lead to rash decisions, saying things without thinking, or acting on impulse, which can cause problems if it results in irresponsible or reckless actions.

• Emotional regulation can be challenging for adults with ADHD, leading to frustration or overwhelm, impacting relationships through outbursts of anger or difficulty resolving conflicts.

However, it’s important to recognise that individuals with ADHD and other neurotypes bring significant strengths to their relationships:

• People with ADHD often have creative minds and can think outside the box, bringing new perspectives and innovative solutions to relationship challenges.

• Their enthusiasm and energy can make the relationship dynamic and exciting, contributing to a lively and engaging partnership.

• When highly interested in a topic or task, individuals with ADHD can demonstrate intense focus and dedication, which can be a great asset in both personal and shared projects.

• The spontaneous nature of someone with ADHD can add an element of fun and adventure to the relationship, keeping things interesting and enjoyable.

Understanding and appreciating the different facets of neurodiversity, including ADHD and other neurotypes, can help couples navigate their relationships with greater empathy and effectiveness. Recognising the strengths and challenges associated with each neurotype allows couples to build stronger, more resilient partnerships.

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